Northbound, 35, Headed Up The Road

I think I always knew my time in Austin was temporary.

When I arrived her a little over four years ago, I was just looking for somewhere to go that wasn't my parents' house. What the hell do you do with a psychology degree? I wanted somewhere I could have a good life and put everything that happened in Columbia behind me.

I didn't really expect the ridiculous four year adventure I went on, but if that's what I get out of life, I'll take it and say thank you. I learned such an unfathomable amount here that I don't even know where to begin. I learned that while most of my friends long for academia and dread the everyday banality of the workforce, I tend to revel in the fact that I get up, work hard, actually accomplish something and then get to come home. No homework, no reading, no exams, and of course, as always, the money is nice. Not for having the money but for what it affords you to do. Like drink beer all day on a patio watching football over Labor Day, or not have to panic and call for help at the slightest sign of trouble. Or drive 16 hours to see a girl you never really knew, fall in love, drag her back and marry her.

You know, stuff like that.

I learned that I was better than just some guy who alienated the people that he loved and who loved him, who could be a functioning member of society, who could survive on his own even with constant weights and new disasters every day. I learned the limits of my stress and my hairline. I celebrated, I drowned sorrows, I lived the exact life I didn't know I wanted to lead at 22-24.

I also grew up. It's so hard to worry about your existential sense-of-self when the power company is there to shut off services. It's difficult to wallow in self-pity when the only thing you can think about is the Wendy's you're going to get at 1AM when you get off work, the first meal you'll have had in two days.

You can't be a whiny yuppie when you're spending your 30 minute lunch break in your truck, slumped over trying to get some sleep, crying because you're so tired from working from 7AM to 2AM six nights in a row.

I learned a lot of good things, though. I learned about how beautiful Texas can be and the thrill of youth. I learned about barbecue on patios, burritos in casas, gin in ginjoints and sushi in chic places. I learned about valuing your own time, your own energy, your own self. I learned about the measure of a man and how you're often going to fail at that measure. I learned that the only option then is to pick yourself up and go at it again. And to try and try until you get it right.

I learned how to be a terrible fiancee and a pretty damn good husband.

I learned how to love Karen for the rest of my life.

This is all way of telling you that me and Austin, TX are splitsville. I accepted a position in Kansas City, Missouri as project manager for quite a bit more money. The money wasn't nearly as important as the reason we're moving though. At some point I started to really try and understand why Karen wasn't as happy here as she could be. Why she felt so alone. I didn't understand it, because even though I've always been blessed with great friends, I never really expected them to be around. I always felt like I was waiting to say goodbye to everyone, even the ones that have managed to keep in touch. I close chapters pretty fast, and accept that people move on, grow, change, and that friendships end. And Lord knows my family is a whole other ball of wax.

I started to think about all the people we wanted to spend time with, though. Those people that we love and care about. The people that we want to have dinner with, laugh with, share our lives with. And I realized how far away all of them were from Texas. 35 isn't a highway. It's barrier. And it keeps you away from everyone if they don't live in Texas. It's further from Austin to Harrison than it is from Harrison to Des Moines. That's fucked up. And when Corn left, I lost the last actual friend I had left. Sadie was the last friend either of us had left.

We needed to be closer.

Closer to family, closer to friends, closer to the places we always felt were home.

I hadn't ever really thought about the "coming home" implications of Kansas City during this process. I was just trying to get us out of here and didn't want my personal feelings to complicate things. But now that I'm actually moving, I have to say how much of a homecoming this feels like. I knew I could never go back to Harrison, and outside of there, this is as much home as I've ever considered anywhere. It's where I was born, and I've always harbored a fascination with the place. I'm really excited to be a citizen and part of something there.

I've always thought of my life in terms of myself, or "me and X" with relationships. Then it became 'Karen and I" as a couple, then simply "We." But in the last year, it's become something new. It's become "My family." And I don't know how to do it. I've never had a strong sense of what that word means. I don't have ironclad constructs to build around. I'm trying to do something new, something different, something distinctly my own, and I'm excited about it. As Jay-Z says, "I'mma start a new religion."

I've got a much stronger sense of freedom now, packing up the townhouse. I love starting new chapters in my life. I've always embraced change. And while I'm thankful to Austin for everything it's given me, I'm ready to start the next part of my life.

Thanks, Austin.

....

HOLYSHITIHAVETOPACKANDMOVEINTHENEXT24HOURSTHEREISSOMUCHTODOFUCKMEI'MCOMPLETELYSCREWEDZOOOOOOMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Cheers to you and yours.

Change

I've been in near tears all day.

2004 was one of the darkest days of my life. I worked three jobs, hated pretty much everything going on in my life, and foolishly, painfully invested myself in exit polls. The fallout from that was wide. Lives lost, billions wasted, further environmental, economic, and social damage. On a personal level, that was the night I stopped feeling connected to America. I didn't feel anything like these people that had given this asshole and his cronies four more years. I didn't share their values, their beliefs, their world. I honestly gave up on America.

I was skeptical of Obama, even after the great speech at the 04 convention, and how much of his policy I liked. I was on the fence. Hillary was a Clinton, and therefore she was like royalty to me.

Then I saw this.



And it was like everything I ever wanted to hear a leader say was poured out. I wish I'd been in a battleground state, wish there was enough money to take a month and campaign for him. Wish I'd been more involved.

As it is, I'm a nervous wreck, waiting to see if this country redeems itself and gets rid of the cancer that's infested it for eight long years. I'm nervous, I'm paranoid, I'm frightened.

But I'm also really hopeful.

I'm hopeful of a world where we move forward, where we take the reins of our society and steer it in a positive direction. Where we take care of our fellow man not for profit, but because it's the right thing to do. Where different opinions are valued and discussion is the central part of any process.

It started to become clear to me that maybe this was how it had to be. That we had to hit rock bottom before we turned. That we had to look at the dark shadow of our national soul before we could find our way into the light.

I hope we find our way.

I hope we start our journey to progress.

I hope we make them pay for their hubris with the light of our path.

I hope for change.

Hey, So... How Are You?

October 27th, 2008.

Whoops.

Dear Diary,
I suck. My bad.

Love,
Matt.


I thought I'd be taking a quick break from this thing. Not eclipsing into nothingness.

Perhaps you were curious as to where I've been?

Funny story.

Okay, so, being married? Kind of sort of TOTALLY AWESOME. No lie. So many people talk about how bad being married is and it's supposed to be this big nightmare that drains the life from your soul? Bullshit. Total bullshit, if you married right. Getting married to K was the best thing I was ever lucky enough to stumble into.

It's strange how different you can become in small spans of time. I feel like I didn't change hardly at all from my sophomore year of college through graduation. Then I feel like I didn't change hardly at all from 2005 to 2007. Then I changed more in 2007 and 2008 than I ever have in my life. I always felt like I was waiting on something to change me deeply, for something to correct all the negative impulses I have. I felt like there were rational explanations for all the embarrassing and hurtful things I'd done to myself, my family, and my friends over the years. Like it was all some sort of big misunderstanding.

But finally, on the brink of losing the most important person I've ever been blessed enough to have in my life, I came clean with myself. And I tried accepting that I was human, and I make mistakes, and that doesn't make it okay to make more of them, but it makes it okay to say I'm fundamentally flawed, and to just try and do the best I can. And that was a huge relief. To not be constantly stuck between trying to downplay my own arrogance and constantly belittling myself in the hope of someone appeasing me with validation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I grew the fuck up and quit whining so much. I'm absolutely stunned at how blessed I am. I'm healthy, I'm happy, I have a good job and the ability to get another one if I so choose. I have a partnership with someone who I am genuinely thrilled to talk to every day, who loves and respects me, who supports me unwaveringly, and who I am, for the first time in my life, wholly and completely dedicated to. That vow I took last year wasn't just words coming out of my mouth for once. I think that may have been a fundamental part of my problem. I always expected the promises I gave to somehow hold me to my word. It's your actions that hold you to your word. And my word was to be a good husband. And I've kept my word. I'm only 11 months in, but hey, it's a start, and it's still something to be proud of.

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I have a relationship with God.

Bear with me.

I pretty much had two options when I almost lost K a year ago. Do whatever I possibly could to try and help the situation, or start finding somewhere to lay down and die. So part of that was at least trying to be okay with the Church. It helped that the Catholic parish Karen and I semi-regularly visit is actually quite progressive and has the right attitude.

Here's the thing.

I always referred to God as a force, even when I said I didn't necessarily believe in It. It was the bogeyman, watching over me, waiting to punish me whenever I did something that was outlandishly terrible. As Daniel once said, I was very "Old Testament" about the whole thing. A God of wrath and punishment. I've always been pragmatist. And when faced with my own shortcomings, humbled beyond anything I've ever experienced, and truly unable to figure out where to turn to for help, I actually tried asking. I tried thanking It for giving me another day with Karen, for all the good things I've been blessed with, I asked for forgiveness for the things I'd done and for my own shortcomings, and I asked for another day with Karen.

And it worked.

Now, this isn't proof of the Almighty or a sign from God. We put a lot of work into our marriage to make it as strong as it is (and I can tell you, it's pretty fucking strong), and it takes constant maintenance. Forgiveness is a process, and it's something you have to do every day and there's no Great Schoolteacher In The Sky to let you off the hook. But I can tell you that after I asked those things, after I expressed those feelings, after I genuinely tried to humble myself before the Universe, I felt better. That was enough for me.

No light ever came on. There were no Angles, no visions. I don't feel any special light inside of me. I don't believe in the Bible and I especially don't believe in the right wing. And if you ask me if I believe in God, I would tell you "Yes, but I don't understand It, nor do I understand my relationship with It."

I don't try and tell people how to live their lives and I don't believe there's one way to live or one God to follow or that anyone has any right to tell anyone else how to live their lives. But every day I thank God for what I've been blessed with, I ask for forgiveness for old sins and new (where sin is failing to act in a 'good' way), and most of all, I ask for the opportunity to find the strength to continue being a good husband, and the wisdom to be a better one. To be more patient, more loving, more understanding. After a quarter of a century trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I figured it out. I want to be a good husband. And there are times when I'm not, but I get it right more than I get it wrong. And it's better than anything I've ever had. So I'm sticking with the God thing for now. I'm a pragmatic believer, I guess.

So there's that.
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If you really want to know what I've been doing?

So last October, before I got hitched, I realized that I had to quit boozing every night. For one, I've become a terrible drunk. Don't know what happened. But I suck as a drunk now. I'm mean, I'm petulant, I'm no fun. Also, it just costs a fucking ton. And with Corn moving to NC, I really had no one to hang out with. The NBA season was starting. I've written on here before about the NBA and how much I love it, despite my friends, family, acquaintances and everyone I know's apathy towards it. So I decided to start an NBA blog. The idea was "Yeah! That'll be fun! I mean, it'll never go anywhere, but hey, who cares? I'm a fan, I want a reason to stay involved in following it, I like to write. Why not?"

Man. That really got out of hand fast.

I started a site called Hardwood Paroxysm. I brought Corn on with me, since he and I always talked about basketball and I wanted a way to stay friends when he was in NC.

The first couple os posts were horrible. Absolutely terrible. I did the worst possible blog tactic you can take. Which is trying to rail on a popular blogger's post on a subject you know nothing about. After that, I started just doing funny posts. We decided to do a daily preview of the games, since no one else was doing them. That worked out well. People started reading it. We got a few posts on Deadspin. That boosted our traffic and we started getting passed around. Then we started averaging 100 people a day. Then 200. Then 400. I started emailing with guys from ESPN, Yahoo!, AOL.

The head NBA blogger for ESPN gave me a contact at the NBA D-League, which is the official minor league of the NBA. I applied to get credentials for last year's All-Star Game, and got passes to the D-League events. Karen and Corn's girlfriend Sadie were kind enough to be cool with us doing NBA stuff during a Valentine's Day trip to New Orleans. It was a trip. I covered the trip for Deadspin. It was a launching point. I had credentials. I got to interview people. I was backstage before the Celebrity Game with Stephen A. Smith, Master P, and a few other celebs. It was nuts. We got hammered on Bourbon and Corn ran into Mark Cuban. It was amazing. I'd never had so much fun doing something like that.

Somewhere in there, I started expanding my writing from just funny posts to actually doing analysis. I watched a TON of games. When K finally relented and let me get the League Pass, I was watching about 20 hours of games a week. I'm not exaggerating. I'd watch the double header, then stay up and watch a tape replay of other games. It's funny how much you learn just from watching something a TON. It turned out that the stuff I was picking up on (that I had NO formal training in), was actually insightful. People started commenting how much they agreed with me, or that they'd never noticed that, or that I'd nailed the description of something.

I got to be... respected. In that circle.

I was getting regularly linked on ESPN and Yahoo!. I talked to national writers on GChat. I couldn't freaking believe this was actually happening. What the hell do I know about the NBA? Screw that, what the hell do I know about writing? I didn't even go through the J-School for God's sake!

In April, I was approached by AOL FanHouse, the primary sports blog for AOL. I joined and it's been great. The NBA minds over there are incredible, and getting paid is pretty terrific, too.

I've been to a late season Mavericks game with credentials. I regularly talk to NBA players. I have an assistant coach of the New Jersey fucking Nets on my cellphone. I talked to my favorite basketball player of all time, Alonzo Mourning.

Is this really happening?

It's said a lot that I'm close to getting a full-time NBA gig. I'm not holding my breath. I've done well by never expecting success and just writing a ton. That's the plan. I'm pretty happy with it. I still have my day job and everything's going pretty well with that (once this Godforsaken survey project is over). I'd definitely take a writing gig, but it would have to be perfect.

Because next year, K and I are probably going to start trying. Yeah. Go ahead and add that to your nightmare fuel. Little Matts running around.

Anwyay, so that's where I've been, and if you get a chance, pop over and give my stuff a read. It's pretty cool. I'm really blessed to have had the success I've had, and I'm pretty proud of it. I couldn't have done it without K. She's been ridiculously supportive, even when I'm up at 1AM typing away on how to fix the Knicks or how the three forward approach in Golden State could be highly succesful.
************
We weren't going to go to ACL this year. We'd talked about it. The lineup was worse. The price was higher. The people were annoying. It's hot. It's always so hot.

But then we got to this week, and it got to us. And then I craigslisted some cheaper tickets.

5 years in a row, baby! And I went from, "Eh, I'd rather not go." to "OMG, ROBERT PLANT AND ALISON KRAUSS! IRON AND WINE! THE OLD 97S! BLUES TRAVELER FOR THE SIXTH TIME! WOO-HOO!" in about fourteen seconds.
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I've been to Destin, Richmond, Winston-Salem, Raleigh, Vegas, Fayetteville, St. Louis, Columbia, South Padre, and Corpus Christi in the last four months. Whew. And I'll be in (hopefully) Chicago, Boston, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas City, Orem Utah, and Phoenix in the next four months. As Karen always reminds me, "You said you wanted to travel more!"
***************
Okay, I'm about done here. I'll try and update more regularly because I have thoughts on, as you can imagine, the election, music, movies, life, and whatever else. This thing will probably be less like a diary and more like a blog now that my life's a little more settled. Or at least I hope so.

Here's a little look at my life in pictures.
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10/27/07

Yesterday Karen Montgomery and I exchanged vows and rings, received blessings, shared a kiss, and were entered into matrimony.

For all the good, and all the bad of the last 25 years, for all the work, and the pain and the hard times and the questions and the self doubt, I can honestly say...

Yesterday was the best day of my life.

I am now married to a woman that loves me for who I am, is kind and considerate, that understands me, and that I genuinely am completely in sync with.

She is everything to me, and I to her.

I can't wait to get started on being a good husband for the rest of our life together.

More later, with pictures of course...

Thanks to everyone that could come, you made these last few days even more special than they already were. Thanks for all the support, and favors, and advice, and the tremendous amount of love you've all shown. Those of you that couldn't make it, we missed you, and hopefully we'll see you soon in our travels (we're already starting a travel budget).

I want to especially thank Leo and Linz who did everything we asked, in our rushed manner, in a town they weren't familiar with, and wrapping ribbons .

I want to thank Corn, Jason, Mark, and Daniel, for being amazing groomsmen. They were so supportive, and fun, and kept me sane during all the insanity. And I only wanted to punch Corn twenty times.

I want to say how happy I was to meet Karen's bridesmaids, and how wonderful they were. I can't wait to get to know them better.

And finally I want to thank Daniel Woolley, my best friend since I was in preschool. He got here early, and was completely upbeat and supportive the entire weekend. He was there for me in every way he could be, and he gave the absolute best speech I could ever imagine. He truly is my Best Man.

I'm so thrilled to be married.

So thrilled for the reception, and the dancing, and the drinking, and the insanity.

I'm so thankful for my family, and their love and support this week.

I'm so glad I ended up with Karen. She's everything I could have dreamed of in a wife.

I'm thrilled with this ring around my finger.

Cheers to Karen and I, and our new life together.

And for everyone that made it, and everyone who was there in spirit, for everyone...

Cheers to you and yours.